the week of hell: imagining life without God
It wasn’t as bad as I thought it would be. Justin gave me warning: Hell week was going to be tough. And I’m not talking about the hell week of college–that week before finals when you attempt to study like mad and, at midnight, press your face as far as you can against the screen of your window and participate in a quasi-cathartic collective scream with thousands of other freaking-out college kids. No, this hell week was going to be different. Hell week for the St. Ignatius exercises is a week of imagining yourself in hell, with all the smells and sounds and textures and torture that come with being completely removed from the presence of God.
Not fun. That’s for sure. I was frightened. I shed lots of tears. But my experience of hell, in my imagination, was so different than I expected.
When approaching this exercise, I tried to not let my mind, with its pre-formed opinions about hell–with its fire and screams all around–to shape the experience. And what surprised me about hell was the flat-out dullness of everything. No color. No texture. Everything gray and parched and cracked. No water. No sky. Nothing to see on the horizon. Nothing to see in any direction, actually. Just absence. Void.
It was agony. Rather than experiencing the heat of countless pits of fire, and joining in with what I assumed would be insufferable screams of torture all around me, I was horrified by this: God was nowhere; nobody was with me; I was completely, utterly alone.
Hell’s torture was in its emptiness–its complete absence of beauty and variety. No color. No light. No variation. No wind or rain. No seasons. No nature. All was the same. The ground parched, completely dry and gray and cracked. All hope gone. No solace or comfort of any kind. No company. No life. No music or birds or wind blowing tree branches filled with green leaves. No sweet fragrance with bright flowers. Nothing.
In hell, there was no learning. No smells of good food. No laughter. No music. No celebration or hugs or stories. No connection or contact. No people. All goodness absent. (For goodness can only exist where God is. And God–Love–was not present in hell.
Hell was a void. Everything dead. And while I saw no one around me–could hear no life around me, just utter silence–I couldn’t help wondering about other people in hell being in this same state of tormented deadness. I know this is morbid, but I wondered if the sounds of tortured screams from other people in hell–if I could hear them, anyone at all–would actually be gruesomely comforting; then I would not feel so much alone.
In hell, there was no rescue. No one was coming. And there was no coming home. In hell, God was not my Father; I hadn’t let him be one. I had rejected being parented. I had rejected being loved.
When I ask God what He can tell me about Hell, He says a few things. And over the week, we went back and forth: me asking him questions, him answering:
Father, Jesus, tell me more; show me more.
I am love. Hell is the absence of love.
So earth can be a place to experience hell? What is hell on earth?
It is discord. It is lack of peace. It is selfishness. It is striving. It is angst and desolation, a complete absence of hope. I am not there.
Is hell anywhere where you are not? When I choose to ignore you, reject you–be unkind and selfish and envious–am I experiencing glimpses of hell? And does this hell feed on itself–evil producing evil, when all is cut off from you?
Yes, but you are not cut off from me.
But I do cut myself off from you often. Help me to feel the separation from you when I sin. Make me feel repulsed by it. Help me to run away from it and, instead, run to you.
Hell is a turning inward instead of turning to me.
I confess I do that so often. Help me to look to you and to your abundance. I can imagine the gnashing of teeth. Come, Jesus. Fill me. I give you my heart–and all of its selfishness to you. Purify me.
Little children, come to me.
Father, hell scares me. I deserve to be there. But I don’t want to be there. I do not want to be away from you. But even here, while I live, I separate myself from you due to my sin. But I can turn back to you. Help me to keep my gaze on you, my heart turned to you.
My child, feel the depth of my love for you. Live in that love.
Father, is there remorse in hell? Do people know why they are there, and that they didn’t have to be there if they only loved Jesus? Do they exist with that awareness of it, or is it–for all of us–too great to comprehend all of our sin? Is man incapable of bearing it, so you protect us from it-? Except it hell, we must bear it?
To bear one’s sin is torture. Man is not equipped for it.
So, in hell, sin, to its fullest extent, is realized? How can you bear the entire world’s sin? Did you take the sin of the people who rejected you? Do you only take the sin of people who love you? Do you let people choose whether or not you take their sin away?
With my Son, I take away all sin. But the rejection of him/me means sin remains.
Would there be no hell if everyone loved you? For then all sin would be eliminated? And can people change their minds?
They would be choosing only for lack of punishment, not for love of me. And that is not love. Avoidance of pain is not love. Love can be painful. Love is sacrifice. Love is not just for personal gain. Choosing death for the sake of another (as my Son did)–their life, their hope, their joy–is love.
Amen.
For the Loop Poetry Project this week, consider writing a poem on life without God. Let your heart partner with his. What does he want to show you and share with you? What are your questions? Where does your imagination go? How do you experience his goodness, his comfort, in the midst of desolation and pain? Or, as we approach this season of celebration and thanksgiving, what does it look like for you to go deeper into his presence?
Share your poem below–or don’t write a poem at all and just share your thoughts. You can also join the beautiful and brave women over at Loop Poetry Project who share their poetry in this private space. I am excited to connect with you!
Love,
Jennifer
Flailing / the Sheep’s Gate
I stand at the gate
watching you
wondering what you see
and imagine all sorts
of possible calamities
but not really
I actually don’t like
to imagine them
but I wonder
what you imagine
when the world you love
is motherless,
its arms stretching up
to be carried,
nestled deep and safe,
and it refuses to see
you standing there,
its mother who aches
to pick up its child
blind and flailing
desperate to be loved.
14 Comments
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Hi! My name is Jean from the Philippines. It’s been a very long time since the last time I talk to God. I don’t know what’s wrong with me but I just stopped praying to Him, I started doing that when I committed the sin that I really want to avoid maybe guilt has consumed me but I know in my heart that I still love God and I want to be with Him in the end. Please pray for me.
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Hi Jean, as a person who has struggled with shame for a lot of her life, I understand. I understand the feeling to run away from God. I understand the feeling to not pray. And I also understand the feeling of missing him deeply. He has something to show you and tell you. Over and over again, in countless ways. I love you. I love you. I love you. You are his daughter. He does not love you less for what you have done–for what you could ever do. Turning to him will never disappoint you. Letting him love you is the only thing that will help. He has so much to say to your heart now. l am praying. Join me.
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Dear Jean
1 John 1:9 ►
New International Version
If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness.
Matthew 11:28 ►
New International Version
“Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.
I am so glad that you shared what was on your heart. God loves you sooooooo indescribably much. I am not someone with authority nor an expert but I do know that when you call to God (even if it is just saying ‘help me’ ) , He does hear and will answer in His good timing. Praying for you, may you experience such peace and hope in Him!
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Amen. Bless you, Barbara. So wonderful to hear these words of love and truth here.
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You are a brave blessing to share from your heart. Scary isn’t it? To actually speak out our faults , yet it’s so freeing.
Hugs for you
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Yes, so grateful for Jean’s powerful vulnerability here. So good. So needed. Wonderful to see you here, Roxanne!
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Thank you for this amazing article, Jennifer. I love your writing and read as much as I can when I can. I’ve long thought about hell, bringing in thoughts from The Great Divorce and thoughts such as yours. So much to ponder. So much to let sink in. It’s painful to even consider. I don’t understand it but I know God is just. And I don’t need to try to figure it out, just trust in Him and tell everyone I know my story. HIStory.
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Hi Melinda! I love The Great Divorce. It is such a powerful, thought-provoking book. I appreciate the story–its characters and many conversations to help me wrestle with things I can never fully understand. Yes, there is so much we need never figure out! So much mystery. I find it fun to be curious but then be okay with not having many answers. It certainly turns us back to what we do know–His goodness and love. We can know and count on that. Thank you so much for sharing here! It is great to connect with you.
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STRIVING…..it’s what I do. Its who I have become. Last week Thursday I felt great accomplishment by completing 3 huge work projects in one day and I felt God nudging me to celebrate rest in the same manner! You mention striving as part of hell and I never looked at it this way. I am.a single mom struggling to make ends meet so work is always a priority but at what cost! I have reached the end of my rope physically and have spent the day in bed full of turmoil! Why oh why do I push myself to this. Lord help me to surrender and allow you to show your strength in my weakness. This to me is hell not sleeping never stopping and spinning out of control! My end goal is to make sales targets which under the current economic conditions are impossible. Help me let go of the guilt of not making it. Help me see balance as the end goal. Help me not take on personal attacks from my boss. Lord I am WHO YOU say I am……I need this to truly become a revelation to me..
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Thank you Jennifer for enunciating so beautifully what hell is like and what God has done to save us from that pit ..loved it and shared it with my friends ..
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Reena, what an amazing experience it is–always–to open up our minds and hearts to what He wants to say to us! Bless you! So happy to connect with you here!
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This is powerful, thought-provoking, amazing stuff. Today for some reason when I read the article the first thought that came to me was how much and unfortunately how often I take God for granted. I am so grateful for Him and all His blessings and all the trials He has provided to make me the person He so longs for me to be as His child. I am grateful for faith but have many times taken it completely for granted. I feel blessed and so special that I have my faith. So many people operate without faith and that must be lonely, hopeless and hell-like in many ways. Not everyone is offered or can receive the beautiful message and amazing guidance from our merciful loving God. They experience life blocked off from the goodness and assurance of God. I am grateful that I am one of the blessed ones that GETS (is allowed) to have the gift of Faith!!
I want to begin praying today to not take God’s amazing gift of faith for granted. Please help me pray to turn away from the sin all around me so that I can instead turn to my Father and seek him instead of sin. I feel some days so beat down due to my continuous repetitive sinfulness. I am ashamed and have a voice in my head telling me I am worthless and undeserving. Every day I try to combat this voice with God’s words but some days I am exhausted and too full of shame and self hate to take on the battle of Satan. He is tirelessly twisting his tinkles into almost every aspect of our society. He is also hard at work in my brain that God so generously gave to me. He tells me the exact opposite of what God is determined for my Faith to allow me to believe faith wants me in the light of love and satan wants me in the darkness of hate. I want to draw close to God on good days not just bad day. I want to rejoice in my trials (past, prescent and future) because each of our trials, as hard as it is to imagine, bring goodness and positive outcomes to more humans than we could ever imagine. God’s divine plan is elaborate far reaching and one of the only intentional things we can absolutely count on in this crazy world. I am tired of having next to everything taken away before I finally turn to my main #1 man. I want my intimate relationship with Him to fulfill me to the extent, that I need no other “soul mate” to quench my thirst of loneliness and desire. I desperately seek Him to be all I need no matter what I have or don’t have in that point in time in life. I have never shared too deeply or asked so intentionally for a personal prayer for myself. Jennifer this article is powerful, your are powerful and it is a beautiful thing to see how one sister in Christ can inspire a domino effect of the Holy Spirit igniting the opening of hearts of fellow Christ-desiring women. I am grateful for your raw, authentic and unashamed message through your blog and Poetry Project. The last year (especially these last 6 months) the loneliness I felt could bring me to a place of self loathing but you, and your Faith are gifts that make me realize I am not alone I am not worthless. God loves me and I have Faith and this is not enough but overwhelmingly and abundantly enough! Thank you!
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I have been slipping into that dark place recently. My mind spins out of control and
that scares me. I’ve been sad and weepie. I knowI am loved but I want to feel it.
I feel like a needy longing child waiting to be hugged and carried on the shoulders
of someone strong. I’ve confessed my sins. Read and meditate on Gods Word.
Waiting and longing for a breakthrough out of this hellish place.
I love Jesus with all my heart. I want to know him and trust.It is well with my soul.
Blessings on you and yours .
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Void of God would only be the very worst place to be. ANY void is bad, but feeling that God had left would be terrifying. My heart calls to him and he is there, teaching me that HE is nothing like anyone on Earth. All things are possible through him and he is limitless. He created the oceans and the animals in them. Nothing is too hard for him. No one and nothing is unseen by him. I am seen and understood, a place where every person wants to be ❤️