our warring hearts

You call my name, and I hear you. I am not pressed too hard, I am not overwhelmed and forgotten. You are here now, Jesus. I can see you. I can see you with my eyes closed. I can hear you from deep within me. This is where you pursue me. In the deepest place of my heart. I run there; I want to stay here, with you.

Last week, we wrestled, you and I. You know how I struggle with transitions. I want so much for spontaneity to be my attribute, yet, still, I prefer the certainty of things planned. But I trust in you. I trust that you see what I cannot. I trust that you are good. I trust that you love me. I trust that you have me. I trust that you never leave me. I trust that you fill me and equip me with your more and more and more.

Last week, as I put the women’s group we lead together on summer hiatus, you leaned in close. This was the wrestling the two of us did–my aching with fear that I was letting you down, and you pointing out how self-contempt was once again pressing in. No, you said, I am not a failure; no, you said, I am not disappointing you. You reminded me how you pursue me from a true place–and if I push to make things work because of pride or fear–I am not being true, I am not following your heart.

And Jesus, I want to follow nothing else but your heart.

You reminded me how true leadership comes from the overflow of relationship with you–and when I have to push and pull to make things work on my own strength, I must step back, lean in close to you. I must ask you to search my heart, seek your wisdom that I may give from being filled with you. What I give–that is good–comes only from you.

And then, when the loneliness came–the worry that the women might not come back in the fall, that I messed this all up by pausing what was just getting started–you came, arms open wide. I heard you: This is a season of healing, dear one. Your vulnerability is your strength. Your weakness is where I come to fill you. You will always need me. And there are some places in you where we still need to go. There is always more. Come, my darling. Come, I am right here.

So this summer, as my little girl heart seeks the healing of her Father, I step back from the group I just started and trust the outcome of the decision to Jesus. I bury my face in the folds of his arms. I look for his hand and hold it fast. I listen, and the words he speaks bring light and joy and peace.

I continue to speak the truth, not fear, to my warring heart:  In the turbulence of a world gone mad, Jesus, you are constant; you are sure. In the ache of the ones who feel forgotten, Jesus, you stand tall; you do not leave. Jesus, you know heartache; you know pain; you know sickness; you know grief. You know exhaustion; you know war.

So, it is where you go that I want to follow. You lead me, Jesus. You lead me deeper into the place where you beckon, you invite, you move. You know the plan. You have me. You are peace.

Is there a way your heart feels at war with Jesus? How is he inviting you to come closer to him–accept the good for you that he has?

Don’t miss the episode by Rush Podcast: Rescue from Self-Contempt.

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  • I really enjoy you sharing and being transparent. It was encouraging and uplifting. A constant reminder to me, to be obedient, have trust and faith in God’s process and purpose for my life. Thank you!

  • Dear Jennifer,

    I know the battle all too well, but you are right, I am learning. Learning to trust. Learning to b listen. Learning to hear more and more. I’m even learning to see more! It is scary and exciting at the same time. Letting go. Allowing myself to be vulnerable, to say I can’t do this on my own. I am learning that I don’t have to. Learning that I am not alone.

    Recently, we have been facing some situations that would have totally derailed us a couple years ago. Stopped us in our tracks. This time, there is a different response. This time we know that we are loved, and that no matter the outcome, it will be good. All will be well. He is ordering our steps, and as we fall in line with what He is doing, everything is falling into place. Everything!

    I will write more later. God bless!

    • Priscilla, I am hearing a theme in these comments–the theme of letting go. And what is even more beautiful about is that I wear a small pendant around my neck today, with the words, “Let Go” on them. Yes, He is speaking. And I am so grateful for sisters like you. Bless you.

  • Jennifer,
    I’ve facilitated a Ladies SS Class for 20 years and we always break for the summer!! Yes, I’ve had comments over the years from some christian friends, like: well, God doesn’t take the summer off, our class meets year round!!! I use to worry also about the comments, but no more.
    It’s ok to change things up, God knows us and knows our hearts. our ladies come back the Sunday after labor day feeling refreshed and the strong bond of Christian friendship is still there!!! Let it go!!!!

  • Hi Jennifer,
    When I read your blog, I couldn’t help but think of Ecclesiastes 3:8 as an encouragement that rest is necessary.
    There is a time for everything,
    and a season for every activity under the heavens:
    a time to be born and a time to die,
    a time to plant and a time to uproot,
    a time to kill and a time to heal,
    a time to tear down and a time to build,
    a time to weep and a time to laugh,
    a time to mourn and a time to dance,
    a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them,
    a time to embrace and a time to refrain from embracing,
    a time to search and a time to give up,
    a time to keep and a time to throw away,
    a time to tear and a time to mend,
    a time to be silent and a time to speak,
    a time to love and a time to hate,
    a time for war and a time for peace.

  • Thank you once again Jennifer for articulating so eloquently my hearts journey at the minute. You always bless me so much. Thank you. X

  • Powerful message as so many of us struggle when God had asked us to rest in him, follower him, trust him, hear him.
    Thanks Jennifer for this its so timely for me
    Thanks again


  • Happy tears…
    Much needed words spoken straight to my heart. My warring heart.
    Thank you for sharing from deep places.
    Your blog and Loop are such a source of encouragement to me.
    Thank you.

  • Hi Jennifer. Once upon a time I had to sit back and pause from the loop, I felt that I was tuning into the loop more than Jesus. After developing and growing I now view it differently. This blog spoke right where I’m at now, it gave me a reminder to quit doing things by my might and let God. I definitely will be returning to loop for the fall. We all need to break! God Bless you.

  • Once again you have pricked my heart. I totally know where you are coming from and the struggle. He will always hold your hand. I will be back in the fall. Rest and heal well

  • Hi! I too, have been at war in transition. My family has moved from Wisconsin to Orlando on faith, needing a home, finances, car, pretty much a new start – but He does have us planted in a fruitful and Word based ministry. Every day my husband and I have to remember that God will never lead you where He won’t grace you and He never ever leaves! It’s so reassuring to my soul when I think of how Jesus prays for us and how He’s willing to overlook the small things we make big, understanding our very heart and He gently makes things right, with love & truth. I know God has a plan for my family & I seek to let the Lord lead into His promise. Jennifer, I pray you will continue to be strong, spirit led and faithful to the call of love, work & rest on your life. Thank you for sharing!

  • Thank you so much for your transparency and willingness to share truth. I needed this today!