new narratives of old stories: there is more for you here
The morning air is heavy, smoke from the recent wildfires clouding the sky gray. Light feels eerie, hard-fought. And I take a few swift steps to the studio behind our house. Here, through computer screen, I will resume meetings with Father Chi.
I struggle with connecting to Skype and am ten minutes late. Father Chi is beaming when I finally join, ebullient and forgiving. “Ha, ha, Jennifer, it is so wonderful to see your face again!” Love is so powerful. I am immediately at ease.
“How are you? How have you been since we last met?”
And I tell him about my heart–how these months of sheltering in place have challenged me to stay connected with God. With rhythms disrupted–and me feeling a bit discombobulated most of the time–I have struggled to create (write poetry) with God. I have also struggled to engage with God for concentrated periods of time that does not involve work or ways that He calls me to lean in and engage with others and love.
It was time to take a step toward Him, whether I felt equipped to do it or not.
I told Father Chi, “Last week I started spending concentrated time with God again. I started going out to the studio in the morning (it has been weeks since I had done this) and simply focused my attention on Him. For an hour I talked to Him, listened for Him, imagined Him. I let my mind and my heart wander where He led me. It was so good!”
I continued, “There was no crisis to precipitate this interaction. I was just not feeling true, free, surrendered, or energized. I felt like I was asleep to God, and I needed Him to wake me up.”
We need more of Him. Always. And He always has more to give.
After Labor Day, I will begin meeting with Father Chi once a week to participate in the Spiritual Exercises of Ignatius, a series of prayers, meditations, and contemplative practices designed for the deepening of union with God. I am eager to begin.
Father Chi and I used to meet twice a month last year. We stopped meeting face to face in March when the local Jesuit retreat center shut down. We both thought we would surely be meeting face to face in the fall. (How long could this shelter in place last anyway?) So we paused our meetings in the spring. But as August was coming to a close, meeting remotely sounded better than not meeting at all. And, even meeting through a screen, where we can see one another’s whole face, might even be better than being ten feet apart, in a small room, with just eyes connecting above a hot mask.
This is going to be so good.
In preparation for meeting together, Father Chi asked me to create a spiritual timeline of my life–asking God to help me remember pivotal moments of my life that shaped me–and then asking Him for his interpretation of them.
“Be open about the time,” he said. “You might spend as long as a few days on one event in your timeline. Others, you might spend shorter.”
This sounds good to me–an opportunity to let God speak to me about identity and healing, false narratives and new stories He wants to rewrite.
Would you like to join me?
For Loop Poetry Project–for the next two weeks–let’s dive deep into our stories with God. Let’s spend time with Him. Let’s ask Him questions about moments in our lives. Let’s remember as much as we can and write it down. Then let’s ask God for his interpretation of those events. What does He see? What does He want us to know that is different than our singular perspectives?
Tell me what you think about this idea in the comments below. And also consider sharing a poem about one of these life events. Don’t worry too much about writing chronologically. Start at any moment in your life. What does your heart want you to notice right now? How is God drawing you toward Him? What about your story can be viewed differently than you ever have before?
Praying for His goodness to guide you and His love to fill you as you listen and write.
Much love,
Jennifer
To Now See
The narratives we tell ourselves as children give us
nightmares or sing us to sleep.
And I see you
wild innocent thing
who believes meekness
is gold and dreads what
in you
people see.
So listen
hear me now
there is no shame
in mistakes
to break open
parts of you
most desperate,
hungry
(I accept you)
okay.
18 Comments
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Oh Jennifer… THIS. This is something I need. These last few months I, too, feel like I have been sleeping from God. I still hear His voice, but it’s just not the same. I am tired. Tired of the mask, (I work on the front lines in my local Regional Hospital and Cancer Centre) and tired of hearing the pandemic updates… but, I think He is wanting me to draw closer to Him and learn more about Him during this time. Something I have been putting off while I have been “asleep”. I have so much to learn and so much growth my spirit, mind and total being are longing for.
Thank you so much for offering this. I will be joining you!
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Heather, THANK-YOU!!! Thank-you for being a front line worker! Your perseverance, your care and service, so much being required of you, shift after shift after shift is remarkable!. The virus changed so much of how front-line workers interacted with patients, many becoming the only family, counselor, clergy or friend patients had while struggling to see their way through to leave the hospital! I just had to let you know how much I appreciate the sacrifices made by healthcare workers bringing hope and care. I am praying right now that we all find a way to wake up again to the God who woos us in moments of stillness we create space for, because He has so much to tenderly say! Heather, I am praying especially for you today as a weary warrior! May you feel Father God’s delight and pleasure as you explore this exercise, and experience renewal and refreshing! I see you, and countless others who have been committed to the wellbeing of others in this pandemic, and with a heart of thanksgiving and gratitude, once again, say, thank-you, and Lord bless and keep you! 😊❤️
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I started out reading your poem ‘To Now See’ and my tears just started rolling. The words: ‘children, nightmares and innocence ignited it. For I have just shared some ‘not so good’ childhood memories, in writing, with a spiritual leader and this way of looking at it, seems Divine. Can’t wait to ask God to interpret it, instead of only looking at it from my perspective. Thank you for sharing, all my Love and Light
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hi Jennifer I am keen to join in…am at a place where I feel “lost” and “ stuck”…and childhood memories…more bad that good have almost paralyzed me
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why is this memory so painful?
i wince, squirm and writhe uncomfortably
haven’t I received from you
unconditional love and forgiveness already?
what’s wrong with me? I am powerless to forgive myself of things you don’t even remember, having cast them into the sea? can you really still love me despite what I am?
i was a teenager then
so does that give me a pass?
no no…
because I knew it was so bad
and evil and I did it anyway
thinking only of the moment and not
paying attention to consequences
stuff it way down, deep down, don’t think about it, not ever ever – well not for many years, twenty or more
then the hideous memories resurface
the battle begins for redemption and release
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I love this idea of a spiritual timeline. I can relate to Elizabeth’s comment and feelings of indifference. I am searching longing for deeper meaning. Yes I would like to participate in these next two weeks. How do I even start in this examination of events?
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I practice Narrative Therapy in which we work with the stories of people’s lives to help them deconstruct negative beliefs about themselves and find their identity in the often untold stories. I think this a beautiful initiative in which I would love to partake and connect with God within my own story.
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I have been working with a spiritual director and am on week 7 (week 5 of the actual exercises, I believe). I did my timeline at the beginning but did not spend much time with it. I’m going to revisit it with God. Thank you for the inspiration. I hope you love the exercises. Such a profound way to connect with God and His Word.
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Thank you Jennifer for inviting us/me into this exercise of visiting our past Spiritual timeline. Father God has been showing me so many aspects of my physical past over these last two months and releasing me from the shame, guilt, hurt, and so many other negative feelings…while along knowing He has always been right there with me…and giving me revelations of how He works and what He desires from … ALL OF ME!! Nothing less! I look forward to intentionally be going back to look at and asking Father God to show me these times He desires for me to meditate on and write about in our life journey so far, bringing me to this specific place and time with Him.
I have throughly enjoyed connecting to the creative side of writing out my thoughts, feelings, all my thankfulness and gratefulness…it takes me to a much deeper place with my Creator and my Savior.
Lord have your way in each and every person as they walk back into their Spiritual life walk with You! May they see You.
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That’s How I Feel
The hummingbird flits and flies
flower to flower.
When the morning is
fresh and new I spot him there.
Unseen by so many.
That’s how I feel.
Yet I know I’m always seen by my Father in heaven and continually in His care.
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I love this project idea, Jennifer! I love it for everyone, but myself. Why?? Well, I guess here’s where the word “numb” pops up in my life….maybe indifferent is a better word. I did some work in the area of events that have landed me here at this moment, such as acknowledging wrongs done to me intentionally or unintentionally impacted me, and coming to see God was there…but I see no tapestry, no thread that binds where I have been to where I am now. I don’t see why it matters, or maybe if I speak truthfully….I don’t see how I matter. How….all of my years have led me to today and for what purpose, I have no idea….other than to be kind and encouraging and grateful for the contributions of others, such as yourself!!! With everything that floods my inbox, your emails and communications are my go to and I thank the Lord for you daily!
I often wonder if I even have the desire to awaken my soul to God. Maybe I don’t deep down want to know what my destiny is, because the word is weightier than my soul can bear, feeling so small. Sorry for being “moody” here. It IS a great project! I love your insight and love for others….for me. Thank-you, beautiful sister. (And thanks for this space to be honest.) ❤️
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This sounds like something I could do as I dig deeper in my intimacy with God. I’m in a season of talking to God a lot because I have clearly discerned that He listens and responds.
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