why I can’t trust myself, and why that has to stop

It is time for me to admit I have no answers. To admit that I am not yet free. Confession: I hurt people around me. And I do this by idolizing myself. And success. And being right.

When the self is an idol, the whole world, the way I perceive it, is warped. Even now I struggle to trust my own words, my feelings, my voice–a deep-seeded wound I thought was uprooted years ago. I don’t know if I can trust myself.

I know I can’t. Not yet.

So, you clearly shouldn’t trust me. But know this: it is truth I attempt to write here.

Here, I seek transparency, authenticity. I want to be free from pretending, hiding. I want to not fake that things are okay when they’re not. Yeah, read at your own risk. But know this: by sharing my heart here, rather than desperate private words scribbled into journals, I will be committed to pursuing a heart stripped of everything else but God.

I do not write for the hope of self-medication or therapy or cathartic release. Yet, I believe that my writing here is a step toward healing. It is an act of standing in the room, hands empty, arms at my side, saying I don’t know what to do but my Father does. My Jesus does.

I don’t know what to do, but I step forward now, saying, with you here, that I am broken, and I am tired of hurting people. I am tired of condemning myself and–out of that self-condemnation and personal insecurity–wounding the people I should be loving the most.

I am tired of taking words people say to me–people who, while not flawless, are pursuing God and can be trusted–and assuming it is a personal attack on my heart. I am tired of feeling trapped, insecure about my worth–believing lies that my doing is more valuable than my being. Here is what I know: I don’t want my belief about who I am to continue to hurt the people around me. I need to believe the definition that is true: I am beloved, chosen, an adored daughter of God.

So, in these posts for a while, I will be attempting to document my steps toward shedding the false self that clings to me, suffocating me, paralyzing me. For too long I have kept it on me, draped like a slimy, tentacled cloak. For too long it has gripped my heart. I hate it, despise it. And for too long I have let it trick me to despise myself rather than it. For too long I have condemned the self God loves. For too long I have believed I have needed to protect myself from the people who want to love me.

There is more to say. But I won’t hurry the words.

I am still trying to trust them.

This is the first post in a series where I talk about my wrestling with self-condemnation. Please subscribe to join me. I could use the company, for sure.

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  • beautiful worded and something we all can relate too. being transparent with ourselves and other’s can be a scary process, but when we rely on God instead of self it becomes a beautiful road to growth and new discovery.

  • I can relate to this ,feeling lost wondering who I am ,if I belong in this atmosphere. Am I being true to myself or am I putting on a face daily for the people in my life.

  • This …. the truth and nothing but the truth will make a new path, an exciting path. We look forward for the journey

  • Thank you for expressing out loud what probably many of us struggle with, too. I know I do. In addition, I have held it in so long that I have lost the art of true and meaningful conversation. I don’t know how to start, don’t know what’s okay to say…either saying too much or not enough…and am lost when it comes to connecting my heart to the hearts of others. Don’t give up this journey of truth and grace with just the right amount of salt.