It can be awkward, fighting fear.

The times when your mind is too full and your heart is too aching and–when it is time to speak–tears come instead.

The noise is loud now, yes? The invitations to do and go and respond feel all too much?

I know.

I feel it too.

fight fear

The day before, I had stopped the car in front of our bungalow a few minutes before picking up the kids from school. The front yard a disaster–port-a-potty outside the house’s front window, storage units in the driveway, trailer piled with remodel debris parked in front of the porch. The house must be made a mess before it is made beautiful–yes, I know. But still, after six months. I miss home.

But it is not just this home, I miss.

I know.

“I see Him in front of me as I look down. He puts His hand underneath my chin and lifts my face to His.”

“I find Him in the mornings. I need Him to fill me. I’m missing Him when I don’t spend the first part of every day with Him.”

“We are at the table, my family and me. I see us all together. And then there is Jesus, way at the other side of the room, waiting. I see Him. He asks me if I would like Him to draw near.”

I know.

We need God to meet us, equip us to face what makes us weary–the shopping, the agenda, the shuttling from one thing to the next, the loneliness from forgetting He is here,right here.

fight fear

Yes, He is here, in the moments of hurry, but we don’t see Him. Yes, He is here, in the pressure to get through a day, but we miss Him.

We ache from missing Him. Over and over again.

I sit in the car and remember what He said when I asked Him what Advent means: turning.

“Advent is the time of waiting for what is already here, who has already come. It is a time of turning–turning inward to study your heart. Turning inward to listen for my voice. Turning inward to heed what is true. Advent is for emptying oneself to receive joy in abundance.”

And this is the kind of invitation I need–the invitation to turn toward Love, toward Life; the invitation to lay down fear, anxiety, pressure to perform by culture’s dangerous and manipulative standards.

I turn toward Jesus, and I am filled, equipped to face this battle that will otherwise kill my heart.

Turn, my soul, turn.

What is it going to take now, soul, to turn toward Home, toward Heaven that is within me this moment, right here?

Let Me pull you toward me, love. I am here. Let Me pull you deeper in.

And I open my hands, and I open my heart, hungry to be sustained by Love.

So again, I choose.

Pull me in, Father.

Again I choose.

fight fear

And it is not difficult this time, this act of surrender, to turn. I am too weary, too famished for Him to not let Him pull me in. This is how I will be equipped to love my friends, love my family, write in truth, work with steadfastness. I will let God pull me in.

In the mornings, when I read His word. In the car, when I am alone and I picture Jesus’ face, or the face of my Father. In the work day when I ask Him what it is I need to do, what task is for me to complete. In the afternoon-evenings when the whole family stretches out in different corners and dinner is cooking and I seek His patience, His energy, to coax/love another child and not yell. In the night when I lay my head down and ask Him for His touch to quiet me.

Pull me in, Father. Pull me in closer, closer still.

What weight is on your heart now, sister? What does it look like for you to turn?

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Jennifer J. Camp is the author of Breathing Eden, Loop, and Loop Advent.

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Showing 8 comments
  • Landy Pollok
    Reply

    Thank you
    Oh how beautiful it is to hear I’m not ALONE
    Pull me in Father
    I’m tired of being sad depressed ungrateful loud angry revengeful
    Forgive me
    And help me to forgive myself and others
    I Love You
    Thank You
    Thank You
    I LOVE Honour Praise You my Creator
    Lovies Landy
    Xxxx

  • Martha
    Reply

    My father is dying but it’s amazing how close I feel to God. I feel his presence and even feel his cheek on my face. So close. He pulls me in every day.

  • Ginger Johnson
    Reply

    I read your blogs often and I feel like God is speaking to me through them. This past year has been a really hard one for me. I can always relate about the fears and anxiety I have been working through. I do apologize for not being able to sew into your ministry. I just had a baby and do not work. Iam living with my fiance and not married. I have prayed for Gods mercy. We are planning to marry and I pray soon so Im not living in sin. Please pray for me because it bothers me. Thank you for your blog. It has been beautiful. ☺??

    • Jennifer Camp
      Reply

      Dear Ginger, I so love meeting you here! Thank you so very much for your encouragement! I am joining you in prayer–that our Father continues to care for your tender heart and guide you as you listen for Him. Much love to you, sister.

    • Jennifer Camp
      Reply

      Dear Ginger, I so love meeting you here! Thank you so very much for your encouragement! I am joining you in prayer–that our Father continues to care for your tender heart and guides you as you listen for Him. Much love to you, sister.

  • Katie
    Reply

    Hey Long lost blogging friend! I found you at your new site. It is beautiful! I got a new one too at katiebulmer.life
    Congrats on your new book I’m so proud of you!

  • China Doughty
    Reply

    I needed this so much for the last 6 months i couldn’t figure out why my then boyfriend up & left me for I little disagreement during this time so much was brought to my attention far as him cheating on me in gave this man all of me when I should’ve been giving it to God last night God finally revealed everything I needed to know I trust in him & trust in his word I’m asking for prayer my heart needs it its broken into pieces I couldn’t imagine him doing any of this it was so unexpected but God is a jealous God & this i know I’m all yours now father use me

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